FAT

So I am a liar. In my last post, I said that my next post would be not only the next day but would be a day in pictures. Well, I still have yet to follow through. I guess finding the things to write about are not so easy for me. But in my insomnia, I came across this picture posted to a friend's Pinterest board that made me think that I should share it:



It is from Lovely Fatties which is a neat website that showcases out-of-the-norm people who love their curves and swerves.

I am petite. I am 4'7" and weigh around 97 pounds. At 26 years old, I weigh exactly 12 pounds heavier than I did when I was 13 years old. I have never had a weight problem until I went to college. I was under a lot of stress as I was completing a double-major, was on the cheerleading team (not crazy important as I did got to a Bible college but still time consuming), and was over 800 miles away from my family and boyfriend. I had dealt with bouts of depression when I was younger but had learned the wonderfully effective coping skill of putting on a smiley face despite it all, also known as denial which leads to insanity. I sought medical attention and was put on way too many pills which made me gain a whopping 50 pounds! 130 may not sound like a lot but please keep in mind that I am technically considered a midget. This started a horrific habit of eating and seconds later, deciding that my stomach was not digesting it fast enough so I had to get rid of it orally.

Stupid? Completely! Did that stop me? Eventually. I was more like a zombie some days, just flowing through the motions of class, homework, and being social. One night, I took my medicine as scheduled but I did not take it with food as I was now considering food completely optional in my daily routine. The next morning was a blur. Literally, my eyes would not focus and everything was a haze. I stood up only to feel like I was walking on noodles and had to immediately rush to the sink to relieve myself. I know it was super gross that I peed in the sink but my roommate was in the bathroom and it was either that or I do it on myself. I have no idea how I got up there but getting down nearly broke my ankle. I got back into bed and did not wake up until about 8 hours later (note that I got a full 8 hours of sleep the night before). Ridiculously scary and really made me think. Being a counseling major should have made me think more clearly before but I was clearly not in my right mind.

After that, I decided to get myself back on the right track and not think of food or the mirror as my enemy. Unfortunately, the damage that Iw as doing to my system had already taken its toll. On a day in January 2007, I began to vomit everything up including water. However, I could keep down random things like steamed spinach and orange juice (even though it burned like crazy going down). Over the next month, I endured 10 doctor visits including 3 visits with specialists, had an EGD, and lost 55 pounds, brining me down to a crazy thin 75 pounds. The diagnoses ranged from ulcers to Esophageal Cancer. Needless to say, a stressful time made more stressful by scary diagnoses and nothing that was certain. And just as randomly as it happened, it ended. Every burp and cough made me think that it was going to start again but it didn't.

The following pictures show what I looked like at my heaviest, what I looked like a a few months after the whole ordeal ended, and what I look like now:


Before
After
Now (in the red)

So besides the obvious of the benefits of proper nutrition, God taught me a few lessons. First of all, I need to be content with who I am. No matter how much I weigh, God intended for me to fulfill greater purposes than having close to 5% body fat. Secondly, He made me in His image and to scoff at that should offend me as it offends Him.

Have a completely gotten over my body issues? I can't say that I have as I will still sometimes become worried over an extra bulge over my pants. But it is not nor will it get to the point of where I am hurting myself to deal with my insecurities. One huge helper has been my husband who tells me that he loves me no matter what but that he loved my curves and confidence when I was bigger. His ever encouraging words help me to realize the best parts of me, big or small.