His Diaper Bag was a Leather Coach Purse

When I look on Facebook, I am bombarded by pictures of my friends whose bellies are growing and households are extending by two precious feet.

Some are just starting on their first and others are planning for their third or fourth.

I have to admit that it makes me a little jealous sometimes. I feel that I am ready to be referred to as "mommy" other than in relation to my adopted cat. I prepare baby shower gifts as if it were for my own. I visit my friends who have just conceived and hold their little loves with longing for my own.

My husband, on the other can, is less than moved. He has always been on the fence about having children. he says that he has to do more growing up before he can even think about raising another one. Whenever I talk about having kids, he always gets a look in his eyes that is a mix of fear and sickness. Most would wonder if this would be a critical breaking point in our marriage as some have broken up because of it. However, our opposites in opinion are exactly what gets us through.

I have been an aunt since I was 16 years old. My sister had her third and final when I was 20 years old. I am the baby of my family but my sister still lived at home until she was married when I was 17. I am the godmother of my two nieces and nephew whom I spend a great deal of time with.

My husband has been an uncle since he was 10 years old from his oldest brother and the last of six was born to his younger brother two years ago. He is the baby of his family but his oldest brother had moved out before they had kids (they are 17 years apart in age). I will just admit that Krisjohn is his mother's favorite. She had him in fashion shows at Bloomingdale's, had a leather coach bag as his diaper bag (a bag that she passed down to me fore when we have one but I use as a purse because it is in immaculate condition), and basically afforded him whatever she could. He was (and is) spoiled. It only made sense that this boy who was raised like an only child would not have much interest in sharing his spoils with others, especially children whom he did not have any idea how to raise.

I have always loved being around kids. I have volunteered at a nursery or taught in a sunday school class for the littler cherubs around 4 and 5 years old at every church I have attended. I did my internship at a crisis pregnancy center and was a nanny for an autistic baby and his sister during college. Even now, I am a counselor for at-risk youth and am a part-time nanny for a family of five kids under the age of 11. Krjsohn has not been around kids as much as his brother's moved out (and away), married, and had kids before he was finished with high school.  Our backgrounds and experiences are so different but it is Krisjohn's perspective that keeps me grounded.

"I want a baby so bad, my love."
"I know but it's just not best for us right now."
"But why? So many of my friends already have one and are working on another. I feel like we are behind. I don't want to have kids when I am at an at-risk age. Why can't we start trying now?"
"Okay, we can. But just keep in mind that our insurance premium will go up (as a technical contractor, insurance is already around $600 a month just for the two of us), we will have to move to accommodate more bodies and stuff (which will definitely mean an increase in rent which for a two bedroom is already  $1200), and we would have to start saving a lot more (which means no more trips to Kohl's)."
"Fine. Be a jerk about it!"

Yes, that is usually how I end an argument: pouting and transferring blame because I know he is right. I know; very mature. But he makes me see the big picture. Having a child would require so many changes in our lives.
-I take a week-long trip at least once a year with my girlfriends to get away. Finding 24-hour childcare would be no easy or inexpensive task.
-We love to make trips to NY but with a baby, going when it is freezing weather or right in the middle of summer is not wise.
-We like to go out on weekends with our friends and stay out to the wee hours of the morning or just lay in bed watching movies and pigging out. That my not be able to continue if we have a love bug who needs our attention and educational enrichment.

These things are all pretty selfish and can be changed for a child but since we are not past that point, it is best not to even entertain it. We have only been married for 3 amazing years and are only in our mid-20s.  I am so excited to be able to be a mom when the time comes. And I know that my husband will be a great father. Even though I become impatient at times with waiting for it to come to pass, I am glad that I have friends and relatives who do not mind me stealing snuggles and love from their little ones.

FAT

So I am a liar. In my last post, I said that my next post would be not only the next day but would be a day in pictures. Well, I still have yet to follow through. I guess finding the things to write about are not so easy for me. But in my insomnia, I came across this picture posted to a friend's Pinterest board that made me think that I should share it:



It is from Lovely Fatties which is a neat website that showcases out-of-the-norm people who love their curves and swerves.

I am petite. I am 4'7" and weigh around 97 pounds. At 26 years old, I weigh exactly 12 pounds heavier than I did when I was 13 years old. I have never had a weight problem until I went to college. I was under a lot of stress as I was completing a double-major, was on the cheerleading team (not crazy important as I did got to a Bible college but still time consuming), and was over 800 miles away from my family and boyfriend. I had dealt with bouts of depression when I was younger but had learned the wonderfully effective coping skill of putting on a smiley face despite it all, also known as denial which leads to insanity. I sought medical attention and was put on way too many pills which made me gain a whopping 50 pounds! 130 may not sound like a lot but please keep in mind that I am technically considered a midget. This started a horrific habit of eating and seconds later, deciding that my stomach was not digesting it fast enough so I had to get rid of it orally.

Stupid? Completely! Did that stop me? Eventually. I was more like a zombie some days, just flowing through the motions of class, homework, and being social. One night, I took my medicine as scheduled but I did not take it with food as I was now considering food completely optional in my daily routine. The next morning was a blur. Literally, my eyes would not focus and everything was a haze. I stood up only to feel like I was walking on noodles and had to immediately rush to the sink to relieve myself. I know it was super gross that I peed in the sink but my roommate was in the bathroom and it was either that or I do it on myself. I have no idea how I got up there but getting down nearly broke my ankle. I got back into bed and did not wake up until about 8 hours later (note that I got a full 8 hours of sleep the night before). Ridiculously scary and really made me think. Being a counseling major should have made me think more clearly before but I was clearly not in my right mind.

After that, I decided to get myself back on the right track and not think of food or the mirror as my enemy. Unfortunately, the damage that Iw as doing to my system had already taken its toll. On a day in January 2007, I began to vomit everything up including water. However, I could keep down random things like steamed spinach and orange juice (even though it burned like crazy going down). Over the next month, I endured 10 doctor visits including 3 visits with specialists, had an EGD, and lost 55 pounds, brining me down to a crazy thin 75 pounds. The diagnoses ranged from ulcers to Esophageal Cancer. Needless to say, a stressful time made more stressful by scary diagnoses and nothing that was certain. And just as randomly as it happened, it ended. Every burp and cough made me think that it was going to start again but it didn't.

The following pictures show what I looked like at my heaviest, what I looked like a a few months after the whole ordeal ended, and what I look like now:


Before
After
Now (in the red)

So besides the obvious of the benefits of proper nutrition, God taught me a few lessons. First of all, I need to be content with who I am. No matter how much I weigh, God intended for me to fulfill greater purposes than having close to 5% body fat. Secondly, He made me in His image and to scoff at that should offend me as it offends Him.

Have a completely gotten over my body issues? I can't say that I have as I will still sometimes become worried over an extra bulge over my pants. But it is not nor will it get to the point of where I am hurting myself to deal with my insecurities. One huge helper has been my husband who tells me that he loves me no matter what but that he loved my curves and confidence when I was bigger. His ever encouraging words help me to realize the best parts of me, big or small.

My Husband's Snoring

It is 4:35 am and I am wide awake.

I guess what makes it better is the fact that I have not gone to sleep yet. Don't you hate when you are trying to sleep and it is just alluding you?! I also do not have any pressing engagements tomorrow except making my husband's breakfast in about 3 hours.

I guess what makes it a bad thing is that I have already been awake for over 25 hours.

I have never (that I can remember) slept through the night. I have tried everything! Different forms of aromatherapy: lavender and vanilla scented candles, wallflowers, lotions, sheet and pillow mist. Pills: melatonin, Tylenol PM (I wake up every day with a headache without fail so I truly use it for its wo-fold purpose), any other sleeping aide. I stop looking at the computer around 9 and cut the lights to prepare my body for sleep. I seriously have no idea.

Onto something completely unrelated....
I have decided that tomorrow...well, at a more Godly hour that the rest of the world wakes up today, I will do a day in pictures. One of the blogs I follow (Casey Leigh) did this as her last entry and it gave me the idea. I am terrible at taking pictures because I rarely have a camera on me. However, I just upgraded to an iPhone 4s and I am up tot he challenge! So I will see you all later when I am posting my pics!

So here is a little of my creativeness...just a little

I figured it was time for me to actually delve into the reason that I named my blog "A Little Kreative." I love to make things. Since hearing about Pinterest, I have felt so inspired! I mean, some of the blogs out there (many that I follow) are amazing and ingenious in upcycling, manipulating, and creating wonderful things. I merely copy most of it but I have my moments as well. The following pictures are some of the projects that I did for Christmas as gifts. I bought the scarves and gloves but made the felt flowers myself. Each flower was taken from a different pin on Pinterest so I have added the links above each picture.


No-Sew Felt Flowers

No website. I just kind of made this one up.

Felt Rose

Large Felt Flower


This is just a little taste. My forte is wreaths but I like to go outside of my comfort zone :) Well, I am off to work on more projects. Pictures to come soon!