His Diaper Bag was a Leather Coach Purse

When I look on Facebook, I am bombarded by pictures of my friends whose bellies are growing and households are extending by two precious feet.

Some are just starting on their first and others are planning for their third or fourth.

I have to admit that it makes me a little jealous sometimes. I feel that I am ready to be referred to as "mommy" other than in relation to my adopted cat. I prepare baby shower gifts as if it were for my own. I visit my friends who have just conceived and hold their little loves with longing for my own.

My husband, on the other can, is less than moved. He has always been on the fence about having children. he says that he has to do more growing up before he can even think about raising another one. Whenever I talk about having kids, he always gets a look in his eyes that is a mix of fear and sickness. Most would wonder if this would be a critical breaking point in our marriage as some have broken up because of it. However, our opposites in opinion are exactly what gets us through.

I have been an aunt since I was 16 years old. My sister had her third and final when I was 20 years old. I am the baby of my family but my sister still lived at home until she was married when I was 17. I am the godmother of my two nieces and nephew whom I spend a great deal of time with.

My husband has been an uncle since he was 10 years old from his oldest brother and the last of six was born to his younger brother two years ago. He is the baby of his family but his oldest brother had moved out before they had kids (they are 17 years apart in age). I will just admit that Krisjohn is his mother's favorite. She had him in fashion shows at Bloomingdale's, had a leather coach bag as his diaper bag (a bag that she passed down to me fore when we have one but I use as a purse because it is in immaculate condition), and basically afforded him whatever she could. He was (and is) spoiled. It only made sense that this boy who was raised like an only child would not have much interest in sharing his spoils with others, especially children whom he did not have any idea how to raise.

I have always loved being around kids. I have volunteered at a nursery or taught in a sunday school class for the littler cherubs around 4 and 5 years old at every church I have attended. I did my internship at a crisis pregnancy center and was a nanny for an autistic baby and his sister during college. Even now, I am a counselor for at-risk youth and am a part-time nanny for a family of five kids under the age of 11. Krjsohn has not been around kids as much as his brother's moved out (and away), married, and had kids before he was finished with high school.  Our backgrounds and experiences are so different but it is Krisjohn's perspective that keeps me grounded.

"I want a baby so bad, my love."
"I know but it's just not best for us right now."
"But why? So many of my friends already have one and are working on another. I feel like we are behind. I don't want to have kids when I am at an at-risk age. Why can't we start trying now?"
"Okay, we can. But just keep in mind that our insurance premium will go up (as a technical contractor, insurance is already around $600 a month just for the two of us), we will have to move to accommodate more bodies and stuff (which will definitely mean an increase in rent which for a two bedroom is already  $1200), and we would have to start saving a lot more (which means no more trips to Kohl's)."
"Fine. Be a jerk about it!"

Yes, that is usually how I end an argument: pouting and transferring blame because I know he is right. I know; very mature. But he makes me see the big picture. Having a child would require so many changes in our lives.
-I take a week-long trip at least once a year with my girlfriends to get away. Finding 24-hour childcare would be no easy or inexpensive task.
-We love to make trips to NY but with a baby, going when it is freezing weather or right in the middle of summer is not wise.
-We like to go out on weekends with our friends and stay out to the wee hours of the morning or just lay in bed watching movies and pigging out. That my not be able to continue if we have a love bug who needs our attention and educational enrichment.

These things are all pretty selfish and can be changed for a child but since we are not past that point, it is best not to even entertain it. We have only been married for 3 amazing years and are only in our mid-20s.  I am so excited to be able to be a mom when the time comes. And I know that my husband will be a great father. Even though I become impatient at times with waiting for it to come to pass, I am glad that I have friends and relatives who do not mind me stealing snuggles and love from their little ones.

Let it Snow, Let is Snow, Let it....wait, its 50 degrees!

I know that this late butI felt the need to share anyway.

I have to say that this past Christmas has to have been the warmest I remember! I am sure in places such as California and Latin America, warmer temperatures are not anything out of the ordinary. But when I can wear winter shorts  and a long sleeved shirt on Christmas day in Northern Virginia, I am concerned. Not "global warming is taking over" concerned but just a little put off.

I wondered if that is the reason that the Christmas spirit was not in full force. Last winter, we were graced with white blankets covering the outdoors which made for fun outside and coziness indoors. I know that Christmas spirit is not a just-add-snow type of recipe  but I did miss it. That wasn't it though. I thought it was because we were unable to go to New York  as planned. Everything was set for the trip except for a sitter for my father-in-law and the funds to go. Hmm, well I guess nothing was set  :)  But that still wasn't it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was me. I was sitting her trying to find excuses as to why I had not enjoyed my most favorite time of year and it was because I wasn't letting myself. I became pissy over the fact that my new phone could not be turned on until 4 days after I received it as a Christmas gift from my husband. I was fumed that we could not find an appropriate place to put our traditional live tree in the living room (we average 4 smaller artificial trees throughout the house). I was upset when I had to put the decorations up around the house by myself while my husband worked his two jobs (yes, 16 hour day) 5 days out of the week. I mean, how dare he! I nit-picked so much over the various ways to be uber crafty with my gift-giving  that I ended up with half-finished gifts and wrapping that revealed that I did it on Christmas Eve (note to self: still need to send out the grandmas' presents). Grinch anyone?!

This is not how I normally behave! So to make up for it (if only a little bit), I am going to say all of the things that did go right!

-My mom who decorated her house (including lights outside, a major bonus) just because she knew that I LOVE seeing her how in all of its pizzaz.
-The children at my church who put on the cutest and funniest Christmas play that I have ever seen. Shameless plug: if your church has not done Christmas Spelling Bee, suggest it to your Chirldren's Minister
-The Fairs (great family friends) who sent a Christmas card. I am a simple girl. Knowing that I was thought of amongst their extremely busy lives is huge!
-Having a home to decorate in the first place
-Spending Christmas Eve with my in-laws. I felt like a little kid again as we stayed the night at their house and woke up early....okay, 11 am (late night the night before), opened gifts, and made breakfast together
-My husband went to great lengths to get me the gift that I really wanted. I love the present but the fact that he was so diligent in obtaining it made it that much more special.

How could I have taken all of these things for granted?! Easily. By letting the petty (and not so petty) issues cloud the bigger, more important and lasting picture.