I'm Still pregnant but I've Lost My Baby Weight and am Devastated

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I noticed that my stomach was flat. I went to the mirror and looked again only to have it verified. And the sadness crept until it enveloped me like a familiar jacket that I hadn't worn in a bit.

I guess I should preface this by saying that I had a miscarriage about 3 and a half weeks ago. We found out that we were expecting on October 29th. I have never been pregnant but I knew immediately. After three tests (all with two lines but the second line was faint), my husband still wasn't as convinced so we scheduled a doctor appointment. I'm unsure why he wasn't convinced since it seemed like as soon as the we took the home tests, I started to have all-day morning sickness. The earliest appointment was for November 12th which ended up being two of the longest weeks I have ever had to wait. But I was rewarded when my doctor told me that my positive results came back the quickest she has ever seen. Based on my Beta levels, I was about 7 weeks along. I set out with all of the important plans: how to tell my side of the family and my husband's brothers (we live with my mother-in-law so she already knew when we took the tests), when to release it on social media (FaceBook and Instagram the mediums of choice), what blogs to start following in order to save the most money and know what things we needed to buy, purchasing clothes that I can wear during and after the pregnancy as I have always been against maternity-specific clothing only because I am cheap (I even considered opening a boutique for that specific purpose). You name it, I thought about it and planned it within that 30 minute doctor appointment. I was all smiles on the way home:

My husband's birthday was November 18th and that is when I posted the following picture on Instagram and FaceBook:

So the waiting game began. I think when I said that I went through every blog possible, I was not giving a true estimation. I went completely manic. I was convinced that by the time my little love bug came into the world, all of the diapers and wipes he or she would need for the first year and a half of his life (as I planned on having him or her potty trained by that time) would be purchased. I would only register for things that I would need as they grew such as baby-making food machines and devices, clothes for toddlers, and shoes. I know, pretty weird but I really wanted our first year together to be something that I planned to the best of my ability and to prove to myself that I could do it without the assistance of others (other than my husband). I wanted to be able to provide for this baby. I have been apprehensive about being a parent anyway so it was weird goal of mine. But leave it to amazing friends and family to throw those plans off. I was already receiving gifts for me and baby by the time I met with my OB/GYN on November 26th. My husband and I were so excited to have the ultrasound done and to see out little growing love. We saw two developing egg sacs. My husband immediately started to think of another name to go along with ones we were considering while I wondered how two babies were going to fit in my 4'7" body. There was a concern: they were measuring small. The doctor said that this happens with twins and sometimes the second sac can still be "absorbed" back into the mother's body as most pregnancies begin as two. Not off-putting at all. So he told us to come back next week to have another ultrasound to see if the sacs continue to grow as two or if there is just one. He ordered some lab work and then we were off to try to hold on to the secret of the possibility of twins until we were sure. But when we are excited, we are like sieves so the secret got out to our family pretty quickly. Ou next appointment on December 5th and we were so excited at the possibility of twins as it seemed more real each day. I mean, how could you not think there were twins when you belly looks like this at just 10 weeks:

And the it all shattered. During the ultrasound, there was no longer any fetal pull and there was no heartbeat. Come again?! My belly has grow tremendously in just a week, I have been eating everything under the moon that is within the healthy limits, I am able to drink a camel under the table compared to how much water I consume, I took my multivitamin daily (although it made me sick almost every time), I have sworn off heels, and I elevated my legs at every chance; what did I do wrong? All this was going through my mind while my doctor assured me that it did not appear to be an issue with me or my husband but just something that 3 out of 10 women go through. I don't think it really hit me until he said "miscarriage." And then I cried. I tried to hold it in as best as possible but tremors shook through me and they escaped. He asked us to come back again next week as it is possible that, since they are measuring smaller (around 6 weeks), it could be that their heart just hasn't fully formed just yet as it develops in the 5th week. So the week passed slowly which I was both grateful for as I dreaded hearing any negative news but was anxious to know something. I contacted my Inner Loves, my group of closest friends who I knew would be on their knees in prayer for us. We told our immediate family and the young adults group that we are a part of at church. I also told my boss at work. When I first became pregnant, she shared with me her personal struggles with miscarriages (2 total in between the birth of her now young adult children) so I knew I was not only telling her to explain the amount of sick leave that I kept using but to also have her as a prayer warrior. 

On December 10th, it was confirmed. My doctor wanted to ensure that it was not something else (such as a molar pregnancy) so he suggested a D & C so that he could take the "tissue," as they were no longer referred to as my babies, to pathology. It was scheduled for Tuesday, December 17th. On December 13th, I had a 30-minute pre-screening with the nurse at the hospital, December 16th was the pre-op going to the hospital for lab work and instructions on what not to do (which included not eating anything from Midnight until after my surgery the next day at 3pm). I decided to go to work the morning of December 17th as I needed something to keep my mind occupied. I also did not know when I would be back to work and wanted to get things in order. We went to the hospital and everything happened fairly quickly. I did not register what was happening until the nurse asked, while putting in my IV, to state why I was there (a standard question ensuring I am the right person and of sound mind). I explained that it was for a D & C for my miscarriage and I apologized to her for crying. Again time seemed to speed by and my concept of everything only caught hold when the anesthesiologist came in to administer the anesthesia. The next thing I remember is waking up to the most handsome face I have ever seen. He helped me get dressed, put me in the wheelchair, and helped me into the car. He then helped me into our home and into our bed where I stayed until Thursday. 

Once we told all of our close friends, I went to social media to let people know that their well-wishes posted on my wall and news feed were not being ignored:

The last few weeks have been filled with more doctor appointments than I care for as the healing process has been horrible and the pain management has been ineffective despite being on Percocet, Oxycodone, and Motrin. I have been to the emergency room once, spoken with the physician on call over the weekend twice, and seen my doctor three times since the procedure. The last appointment on December 30th found that my Beta levels are still very high meaning that the HGC, or pregnancy hormone, was still prevalent in my blood and registering me as technically still pregnant. Unfortunately, this meant that there is also a possibility that there was residual placenta left behind and they may need to do a repeat D & C. Awesome. 

So  that is unfortunately where it stands. The second D & C still has to be scheduled. I have been high as a kite on prescription medication that doesn't completely stop the physical pain. The emotional pain is so deep (one of the things that no amount of planning could have prepared me for). There are times when I can talk about it and I am fine and then there are times, like this evening, when an episode of The Simpsons had a pregnant woman going into labor and I was completely uninterested. My soul has mourned this loss. I am constantly putting up a front because I do not want anyone to take pity on me or seem that I am seeking sympathy. Plus, others have their own issues and pain to deal with. Even when it comes to my husband, I know that he mourns in his own way and that this has affected him greatly as well and I don't want my pain to be projected onto him. So I take a lot of showers because it masks the sound of my sobs and I don't have to answer questions about what's wrong (primarily, is it an emotional or physical pain, as both have been in abundance). And I can cry out to Jesus about my saddness over the fact that the 10 weeks I had with my babies was not the reality I was hoping for, my concern that this may happen again, and my frustration over not knowing how to completely overcome the first two. 

It is not all bad as it has been bearable thanks to our friends and family who have had our little family constantly in God's ear in prayer and who have been so supportive through verbal and nonverbal actions. When I tell you that I have never felt so comforted to work in an agency where they are about 150 women and 10 men. I have had so many come up to hug me, ask how I was dealing, and share their own stories of miscarriage and what helped them. When my doctor said 3 out of 10 women, he had no idea that this exclusive club was growing. I can honestly say that the only women who approached me who had not had a miscarriage were those women who had not even tried to become pregnant before (i.e., single ladies, newlyweds that weren't ready for that milestone, etc.). And that was only a handful of women. "I've had 3,"..... 4,""....7!" "After 21 weeks,""..... after 34 weeks,"".....a stillborn!" These women are phenomenal and I know that Jesus put each of them in my life for different reasons but this seems to be the biggest and I am so grateful. 

So even though my heart is heavy, my woman parts are in such pain, and my stomach is now flat, I am content in knowing that I have a group of friends and family that are outstanding, a Father in Heaven who is looking out for me, and that one day, my husband and I will be parents, wether it is biologically, surrogacy, fostering, or adoption. 

"Oh the Places You Will Go"

My sister/best friend graducated with her Associates in Education.  My sister is a wife of over 10 years and a mother to an almost 15 year old, 11 year old, and a 9 year old. She had my first niece at a young age which sidetracked her plans a bit but did not completely derail her. She is an amazing and although I was not able to be there, I knew that I wanted to make her a gift to let her know just how I felt.

I have always had a soft spot for Dr. Seuss. I think that he is just one of the coolest writers. His simple stories have profound messages! Not to disappoint, Oh, the Places You Will Go has a quote in it that says, "The more you read, the more you will learn. The more you know, of the places you will go." Could this be any more perfect?! I did not want to do something too literal but wanted something kinda of whimsical but that she could also out in her home. I chose to make pom flowers that are present throughout all of Dr. Seuss's books. I took the tutorial form a Pin on Pinterest but slightly altered it due to laziness and adding a few extra additive :). The link I used is here The tutorial for the ones that I did is below

The items i used are:
~scissors
~yarn (the amount of colors is based on what you want)
~pipe cleaners
~decorative rocks (3)
~large mason jar
~wide strip (about 6 inches) of burlap
~buttons (2)
~ribbon
~beer bottle caps (2)

I began by finally using some of my wonderful 50% off yarn barrels that I got from Michae
l's a few months ago.

 I took the yarn and began wrapping it around my fingers. The amount of fingers that you use dictates how big you want the pom to be. The tutorial I loosely followed stated that you should wrap it at least 90 times. I lost track around 40 so I kept wrapping until I was tired. However, if you want the poms to come out more dense, I suggest going for the full 90.

                                       

After you have finished wrapping, slip the yarn from your fingers, trying to maintain the circular shape as much as possible. Cut the yarn. Then cut a piece of yarn that is about 6 inches (I eyeballed this based on how big my ball was.

Tie a knot and then another knot around the ball of yarn. Make sure that it is tied tightly

On either end of the knot you just tied are loops. Use scissors to cut the loops

This is where you give your pom some shape. Cut down the thread while fluffing as you go to give it a ball shape. How much you cut it down depends on the look that you are going for.  I liked them to still have more flowey which is why I did not cut it down further. But if you wanted it to look more dense, but the ball smaller.

These are my finished poms. you can barely see the purple but it is there in the left hand corner.

I originally thought of having pipe cleaners so I went with colors that matched the flowers

 Using my favorite thing of all (my old glue gun), I attached the pipe cleaners to the poms

F.Y.I.: Using pipe cleaners is a terrible idea, lol! I did not take into account how heavy the poms were in relation to the pipe cleaners. So I had to use decorative rocks to weigh them down. Again, hot glue gun to the rescue!

They were still slightly top-heavy so I took a piece of yarn and tied it towards the top to keep them bunched together. 

I'm sorry that I did not take more pictures of the mason jar transformation but it was really coming together as I went. I have a roll of burlap that is abut 6 inches wide. I used the hot glue gun to attach it not only to the jar but left enough overlap to glue it to itself. Remember: hot glue can come off of smooth surfaces such as glass and metal so it is best to attach the fabric to itself for additional cohesion. I used a strip of gold ribbon for the middle. I have a ton of buttons, bottle caps, sparkles, doilies, and fun additives so I used some of them to adorn the front of the vase.

So I should have apologized from the beginning as I am not a great photographer nor do my pictures have amazing resolution. But I did try to document everything so I hope that helps. Also, I should have forewarned you that I often deviate from tutorials and follow my own path (which may or may not be a good thing) but I encourage everyone to do so as well :) 

Decepticons

Do you ever have those days that just have you spiraling into the pits?

Unfortunately, today is that day for me. It started out normal and actually wasn't so bad. I have been and will be in training for work this week which means jeans everyday and driving (something I honestly really do love to do but don't get to often as I carpool with my mom the 7 minutes it usually takes us to get to work). But I did not make a smoothie this morning which was the first clue as to the rest of the day. Since my stomach has been acting ridiculous, I have been reading various websites and talking with my doctor on ways to ease the pain my stomach ulcers constantly cause, in addition to the Nexium. I have started to bring smoothies for lunch as they are easier on my stomach and cause a significantly less amount of pain than eating solids. I was not only running late but left my mixer at work so I didn't have a cup to put it in. I though that it if I did something light for lunch it wouldn't be so bad. Well I saw Chik Fil A and all sense of comfort went out the window and my appetite for solids and p that delicious chicken took over. Minutes after eating the sad which, my belly began to rebel. But I was still at training so writhing in pain would have to wait.

Once I got home around 5:30,  I took my usual fetal position on the bed and hoped the pain would go away by the time we had to leave for Bible study. 7:30 came and went and frustration set it. I really wanted to go tonight but my aches did not have the same schedule. I decided to look at Instagram...and this is where the slippery slope opened up to a pool of pity. I saw pictures of people with their babies, babies that I am unable to have right now due to finances and the almost certain unbearable pain that ulcers can have during pregnancy; screenshots of encouraging words sent to people who are currently following their dreams, dreams that I have but am unsure of how to begin to make into a reality; images of things that others have that I want. In times like these, it is hard to think rationally. So instead, I wallow in it. As a counselor, I know different techniques to help encourage myself and change my attitude. Well, one fell into my lap today....literally

Learning to Play Soccer

It is 2:47am and I am wide awake yet exhausted. I actually have another post that I am working on from the beginning of last week but felt like sharing this as soon as possible.

Today has been one thing after another after another. First, a sweet woman who used to attend my church went to be with Jesus last Tuesday. Her memorial was this morning. Due to various reasons (primarily, the fact that I don't know how to budget my time), I was unable to make it to the service. I had already left before I realized that 15 minutes until the start, I could not make a 30 minute drive and be late. Frustrated, I turned around and came home and did the most logical thing: took my frustrations out on my husband. After arguing over nothing really, I broke down crying because I was so angry at myself for not being able to pay my last respects. I prayed about it and sent a message to Ms. Judy via Jesus. I had planned to see a co-worker after the memorial for a bit of shopping to decorate her home. So I got myself together and met with her. While at Kirklands, I received a phone call from my brother-in-law that my father-in-law had yet another stroke (this man defies all odds, thankfully). I left in order to go home to get my husband and travel to my in-laws' home (since he is in in-home hospice care, doctors come to him instead of him going to the hospital). It was thankfully not a high grade event and within hours, he was recognizing faces and talking with us all. We spent the greater part of the day with them.

Around 11pm, my husband and his brother were watching the Alvarez-Trout boxing fight while I was upstairs, monitoring our cat who was in full labor. By 12:30, 5 kittens had been born and I could not have been more ecstatic (these are my grandkittens). However, there was a problem with one that Mega was not paying much attention to. I automatically went into panic mode. I have been reading every article and watching every video about the pregnancy, labor and delivery, and weeks to follow for these little babies to come so I was ready. I pulled on some gloves and massaged its back with a warm cloth, took a dropper and sucked any mucus from its nose and mouth, patted it on the back with my finger to loosen anything obstructing its airways, placed it in a cloth and the on a heating pad on low to keep him warm, put him next to my heartbeat to he could feel my skin and my heart rhythm. He would take gasps of air every minute or so but after about 30 minutes, my mom said that he was probably gone. So I held him a little longer and realized that he wasn't breathing. So I cried my eyes out. My mom found a little business card box (yes, they are that little) and we put him in there. We placed the box in a ziplock bag and will bury him tomorrow in the back yard on the hill with my two other dogs.

Why did I say I was learning to play soccer? In soccer, a change can come from out of nowhere. You can be completely blindsided by an opponent which can either be a good thing, if you manage to keep the ball in your control, or a bad thing, if they steal it from you. Today I'd have to say I feel as though  I did not do a very good job handling these interruptions. I became angry, frustrated, and extremely sad. These emotions would be expected given the circumstances but the way in which I carried them out was not with the best poise. Picking a fight because of my own frustrations? Ignorant. Becoming angry because my shopping trip was cut short by someone's illness? Selfish. Engrossing myself so much in one kitten that I ignored the 4 others completely? Inconsiderate. I am working on a better me and one of the tricks to a better me is holding myself accountable. So hopefully during this next week, I will have a better report on how I have become better at soccer

Slipscream, our little fallen decepticon 

Energized

I can admit and my track record can show that I am not the best at this whole blogging thing. there have been many times before that I have said that I am going to start writing everyday or that I am going to post more pictures. The truth of the matter is that the fact that life became too busy for crafts and I felt like I was not being true to the reason that I began this blog to begin with. But then I started thinking about the fact that this blog is not just about being creative but also about me (the "little" part of the title). So if there are other things on my mind, I should not feel like I am doing any sort of disservice or staying from its purpose but that I am just naturally following the route I should.


Whew! That felt good1 Now, on to some updates!

Let's see...where to begin. Well, I guess there have been some lows. My sweet, sweet father-in-law, whom i am unsure if I have mentioned before, has been placed in hospice care. This man is such a fighter! Since 2007, he has suffered 8 strokes, a heart attack and numerous other illnesses. In October 2012, he had to be placed on a feeding tube. The fact that he is now in hospice care is more for his comfort, not that his health has taken such a decline that the end is at any moment. But it did make our family think and begin for his reunion with Jesus. This has been tough on my husband, his biggest fan. For those that do not know, my husband is 6'1" and about 230lbs. He's as tough as they come except when it involves his family. His father's decline in health has been so difficult on him but he has been such a wonderful support for his mother. The coming together of our family during this difficult time has made it that much more bearable.

I have been having terrible headaches and stomach issues for the longest and finally decided to get a check-up. Turns out, I have a few peptic ulcers which stinks. I am taking medication for them but it also calls for me to change my diet, such as taking out foods that are high in acidity. Does my tummy really want me to cut out all of the delicious citrus fruits that I love to eat?! Yes...yes it does. SO it has been an adjustment but I cannot complain because it could have been something worse.

The in-between. my husband's job as a contractor with Quantico Marine Base came to an end on March 1st, the morning that the government furlough was put into effect. While this was not only unexpected and unwarranted, this blow knocked us back but not down. We have been through this before: my husband was without a employment for two and a half years about a year and a half into our marriage. But the difference this time is starkly different. My husband has thrown himself into his side project (now turned full-time career) launching his Trust No One brand. He has done such an amazing job that we are headed to Florida at the beginning of next week for him to hand-deliver and setup his clothes in a store (much more posts on this to come).

I completed my probationary year with my new (well, year old) job and have been promoted to a new position which I love! Things have been going pretty well for my little family. The downs have been bad they are an opportunity to strive to do better, focus more on Jesus, and bring us closer together. The good times have reminded us how hard work and faith pays off.

I am sure I have bored everyone to death with my ramblings so I'll end for tonight.

A Bit of Reflection

2012 was a terribly great year.

The Times When We Had to Really Rely on God:
-constant financial issues
-numerous health concerns for my sweet father-n-law and an extremely difficult decision that had to be made in preparation for his future
-moving in with my parents (which has been the ultimate blessing but stirs frustration at times when dealing with spacial issues and considering volumes at intimate times)

The Times Where We Were Filled with Joy:
-celebrating 4 wonderful years with my love
-beginning a new job
-my husband becoming completely debt free (still working on me)

Who knows what 2013 has in store for us but we are complete sure of one thing: God will be at the center of it. We have been too blessed and too well cared for to not recognize our need for Him. With his blessing, 2013 will hopefully bring about a new home, a new car, and a new little life.

Back At It

So it has been far too long since I have updated. I can't say that I am surprised because I am a professional procrastinator. However, I have decided that I am actually going to stick to this. It is far too easy for me to give up on stuff that I have no severe investment in or that I do not stand a chance of losing too much. Hence, why I stopped writing.

I began this blog with every intention of showcasing my crafts, bragging on inexpensive material finds, and rambling on about stuff that most likely only matters to me. But then life became busier and making excuses as to why I started a thousand different projects with the intention of actually finishing maybe on became so easy and common place. The less crafts I did, the less reason I had to write. But crafting is something that I absolutely love! Why was I putting off? Honestly, I had begun to compare myself to others and talked myself out of it. But the counselor in me finally decided to weigh in on the situation and started using other's accomplishments and excellence as something for me to works towards, not have work against me.

This year has flown by and not much is left of it but I have been able to savor the majority of December (although it is not over yet). I guess I should preface by saying that I usually have all of my Christmas decorations up no later than December 1st but this year, I am just proud to say that we have our decorations up at all. I have yet to take any pictures of the decorations around the house as I cannot seem to master how to make Christmas lights look great on my iPhone camera so I will have to just leave you with the office decorations that me and one of my best co-friends (co-worker turned friend...feel free to use this word-play) cam up with for our office.


I begin with Frederick, our refrigerator snow man (thanks to Pinterest)

            

The next three collages are my co-friend and I's cubicles, decorated to look like Gingerbread homes. We also adorned our desks with wrapping paper, goodies, and penguin friends. 

My husband, mother-in-law, nephew (one of the four), brother-in-law (one of the three), his wife and two of my nieces went to New York for the first weekend in December just to see this lovely sight. We may have also spent a little time at FAO Schwartz also...okay it was a couple of hours :)

Last, but certainly not least, is my little bundle of "joy" who is full of Christmas cheer. Megatron continued to look at me with disdain until I finally took her hat off. As you can tell by its absence from the picture, the bell collar did not stand a chance. 

So until next time, which will be this week (setting a deadline means I must abide), take care